Hogwarts a History - Mazes and Monsters
by jade-fae
Summary: There was more than a Cerberus, a chessboard, and a logic puzzle protecting that famous stone. Low tier amateur dungeon dive. We are really bad at this. The horror... the HORROR!
1. Chapter 1

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 01 – Three heads again

…

"Unbelievable, simply unbelievable."

"Yes Hermione."

"I mean what a drama queen, can you believe?"

"Yes Hermione."

"He fell off, fell off the stupid horse. The way he acted you'd think he was the one that got stabbed."

For their first dungeon dive, the three Gryffindor's had been doing remarkably well till the chessboard, all things considered.

"Honestly!"

Having dragged Ron off the board where he would presumably be safe, the now dynamic duo, that being Harry and Hermione not Batman and Robin (although, with the right costumes) … (ehem, sorry).

Harry and Hermione had pressed on determined to stop Snape from stealing the Philosophers stone.

Harry hoped they were getting close. They'd been walking down the same hall for almost five minutes. Just how much space could the whole labyrinth of traps be taking up?

Must be magic, he thought. There really was no other explanation. Which then led him to wonder how many more rooms they'd have to go through.

*Grrrooooommmm*

"Harry! Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

Nervously, they stopped and listened, straining to hear over the frantic thrum of their own beating hearts. It came again, a low distant rumble, like far off thunder or Ron in the next bed snoring.

*Grrrooooommmm*

"What is that?" Hermione whispered.

Something big, Harry thought, "One way to find out."

Slowly they crept forward, struggling desperately to find their inner ninja. The rumbling grew louder with each step, then a glow appeared at the end of the hall.

The darkened corridor gave way to a torch lit room, and the two nearly gasped at what they found in it.

"Harry, that's a chimera."

Another legendary three headed beast. The body was all lion and a big one at that. Snuggled into its rich thick mane was a white goats head with long curved horns and at the tail a glittering black snake.

The two forward heads were settled comfortably snoozing away. The snake however hung over the body, bobbing gently.

Its eyes were not closed, Harry noticed. He wondered if the key hanging around its neck might have something to do with it.

"Let's go around it" Hermione said tugging him forward.

Harry followed his bushy-haired friend, but he found himself looking back at the chimera. He couldn't help it, it was just so cool. Great and terrifying sure, but so cool.

The room wasn't large, so they hadn't far to go before reaching the far door. Predictably, it was locked.

"Where's the key?"

Harry knew, but he wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying. He was still staring at the chimera. The snake specifically, who had watched them circumvent the room and was now staring right back at Harry.

While Hermione fiddled in vain with the lock, Harry quietly made his way toward the chimera. The snake watched him approach, swaying gently back and forth.

He froze mid-step when the goat head snorted a small gout of flame against the lion head. The lion gave a small snarl, flexing its claws. Harry gulped, his life flashing before his eyes.

Is that where I left it?

The chimera gave a great sigh, smacked its lips, then resumed its deep rhythmic snoring.

Harry, after making a quick mental note to get the thing from where he'd left it, took a moment to stop his heart from beating out his chest. He must have been crazy going near that thing.

But there he was, and there it was staring at him, one head anyway.

"I see you" the snake head hissed.

Being the least shocking thing to happen to him all night, he replied, "I see you too."

The snake looked back in interest, bobbing and swaying and examining him from every conceivable angle.

"No, I see you" it hissed back.

"Yeah, I see you too" Harry hissed back.

The two stared at each other, leaning in till they were almost nose to nose.

Suddenly, the snake struck, "Boop" right on his nose.

Harry blinked in shock then, realizing what had just happened, gave a childish scowl.

The snake replied with a hissing laugh, "Smarty snake" said Harry.

This only seemed to amuse the snake further as it bobbed mirthfully, giving its little hissing laugh. It's bobbing caused the key to sway and shake.

"Is that very heavy?" he asked.

"Dreadfully" said the snake, "the old man was supposed to put it on the lion, but he put it on me instead. I bit him."

"Would you like me to take it off?"

"Would you really? I'd be ever so grateful" the snake hissed.

"Are you going to bite me?"

"…nooooo."

Cautiously, Harry reached for the key, lifting the heavy piece of metal and its chain off the snake's neck. It gave an appreciative hiss, followed by a jaw distending yawn.

Feeling brave Harry stroked the snake gently as he quietly cooed, "Nighty night."

"Nighty night" the snake hissed drowsily as it once again began to bob and sway over the lion's back.

Harry slowly backed away, nearly yelping when he ran into Hermione.

"Harry, what were you…"

"I got it" he said, holding up the key.

"Oh!"

Without another word the two were through the door and on to their next challenge.

…

Once the two children had left, the snake glanced back at the closed door, "That was interesting."

The lion gave a yawning roar, "Thought they'd never leave" it said.

"Think they'll catch up to that guy with the stupid turban?" asked the goat.

"Mm, don't care" said the lion, laying his head down and going back to sleep.

The snake shook its head in disgust, "King of the jungle folks. Tremble in fear."

"Rar" said the lion.


	2. Chapter 2

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 02 – Fire bad

…

Leaving the chimera behind they stepped into an ovoid room filled with sconces, braziers, and candelabra. Hermione gripped Harry's hand nervously.

"Harry" she quivered.

Harry cursed inwardly, wracked again with guilt over what had been done to his friend.

"It's alright Hermione, they're not lit."

None of them were, save for a single torch on the far wall next to the door.

"Look, there's the door, come on."

It was simple leading his friend across the room. She wanted out, so she practically dragged him through the odd collection of fire holding accoutrements. They were almost there when the torch flashed.

"Fire bad!"

Hermione froze in her tracks, abruptly halting Harry and gripping his hand painfully.

That painful grip was the least of his problems.

Little flecks of flame floated from the torch and began igniting wicks at a rapid pace.

Hermione's grip tightened again, and she pressed herself into his side like she was trying to crawl into his kidney.

"Fire bad, fire bad" she chanted as the room grew brighter and brighter.

Harry tried to pull Hermione out of the room but the various flame holders, now all lit, had more in store for the two of them. The torch flashed again, and small streams of flame ran from each tiny fire, coalescing into a man-sized fireball blocking their path.

"Fire bad!"

"I know, I know" said Harry, wrenching his hand free so he could draw his wand, " _Aguamenti_!"

He may have felt guilty about what had been done to Hermione, but that's not to say he didn't learn anything from her little trip down the fiery path.

His watering charm was good for someone his age. He was understandably proud of his mastery of the spell. The fireball was unimpressed.

The water became a cloud of steam the second it made contact, doing nothing to put the fire out. That's not to say it had no effect however.

The fireball stretched, taking a vaguely feline form it then used to stalk toward the two eleven-year-olds.

"Shite!" Harry cursed.

" _Aguamenti_!"

The feline hissed at the girl's water spell, but it wasn't aimed at the cat. The spell splashed against a row of candles, snuffing out half a dozen which smoked for a moment before reigniting.

"Bollocks!"

Despite the dire situation Harry had to resist a chuckle at her language, he'd tease her about it later.

The flaming elemental hissed again and lunged. Not trusting her to move on her own in the face of the feline flame, Harry tackled her out of the way.

The elemental was less nimble than its chosen form would suggest, and it splashed down behind them, taking several moments to reform itself from an indistinct blaze on the floor.

Harry took the opportunity to try his watering charm again. He managed to put out nearly half the room only for each one to light up again.

Frustrated he turned to the torch and blasted it with water.

This had a pronounced effect. The entire room dimmed for the few moments it was extinguished. Then it reignited, and the room brightened again.

"So that's it."

He'd figured it out, sort of. Seemed kinda obvious really. Now he just needed a way to keep it out. But how?

"Harry, do that again!"

Not sure what she hoped to gain he blasted the torch again just as the elemental reassumed its bestial shape.

The torch died. The room dimmed. The elemental hissed. Then a flame appeared on the torch. It was blue.

There was a moment of confusion when the room didn't brighten.

"What?"

"The bluebell flame" Hermione explained, "It's not real fire so it can't be overcome by real fire."

Which meant the torch couldn't relight. The elemental appeared to have realized this as well as the assorted small flames began to die. It stalked toward the two, hissing angry sparks with each step.

"Oooh, fire" Hermione moaned.

"Bad, yeah, move!" Harry shouted, grabbing her hand and charging the door.

The elemental gave a furious yowl and raced after them.

Harry hit the door running and charged into the next room dragging Hermione behind him. The elemental followed barely two steps behind.


	3. Chapter 3

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 03 – Don't drink the water (Kappa, cappuccino)

…

The two Gryffindor's rushed into the room and dove to either side. The elemental came in a moment later, charging straight forward, right into the pond.

The death of the elemental was heralded by a massive spout of steam and a patch of water that roiled furiously.

In a few moments it passed, and all trace of the fiery cat was gone.

"Hermione, you okay?"

"I think so."

They both sat trying to still their racing hearts. It was Harry who cracked first. It was just a grin, that turned into a snicker. Hermione saw the snicker and raised him a giggle fit and before either knew it they were both rolling around on the floor laughing.

"You know, I'm starting, to think this was a bad idea" Harry gasped between fits of laughter.

"Now!" squealed Hermione, dissolving into uncontrollable titters once again.

Waiting till they'd both gotten the giggles under control, "I'm just saying. I don't think we really thought about what we were doing when we decided to come down here."

Stop Snape and save the philosopher's stone had seemed much more straight forward before they'd actually tried to do it.

"You're probably right" she acknowledged, "but we can't turn back now."

She was right of course, and that wasn't even taking into consideration everything they'd have to go through to do it.

"Should probably get going" he said.

Hermione nodded and the two approached the pond, "I just hope there's no more surprises."

"Surprise!"

Hermione shrieked and fell back on her bum when the gangly turtle faced creature sprang out of the water.

"Dammit!"

"Well that's like the total opposite of what you wanted" said Harry who hadn't done more than tense.

The gangly water creature cackled madly at the angry Granger, sinking back into the water up to its neck. Hermione scowled fiercely at the snickering turtle thing.

"What is it?" asked Harry.

"Kappa, cap a, cappuccino" the creature sing-songed.

Harry looked strangely at the very strange creature before turning to Hermione.

"No idea" she said, picking herself off the floor with as much dignity as possible.

"Never thought I'd hear you say that" said Harry.

The girl frowned, "I don't know everything."

"Or that."

"Scandalous!" declared the kappa.

"You be quiet" Hermione snapped at the aggravating water fiend.

The kappa responded as one might expect "Make me".

It started cackling again when Hermione angrily stamped her foot.

"We should just go" Harry suggested.

"Yes!" Hermione agreed forcefully, "… how?" she inquired less forcefully.

The pond stretched across the entire width of the room. The only way across appeared to be a single narrow log.

"I guess we walk across that" said Harry.

"Yes, yes, that's the way to go" the kappa taunted.

This time both stared suspiciously at the kappa, "And I suppose you'll just let us walk across unmolested then?" said Hermione.

"Nope" said the kappa unabashedly, "touch the butt, squeeze the butt. Give us the booty, yeah yeah, give us the booty, yeah yeah."

Hermione growled at the obscene turtle man.

"You are disgusting" she accused.

"Thank you."

"You're a bum bandit" said Harry.

The kappa made a shocked expression and squealed, "How did you know?" before breaking into peals of laughter.

"What does that mean?" Hermione asked.

Harry shrugged, "I heard one of the older boys say it once."

The kappa continued to titter while the pair of Gryffindors tried to determine a course of action. Everything hinged on the log which the kappa appeared to be guarding.

With a couple more years of training they'd easily overcome such a simple obstacle but with only a single year of magic under their belts, they were stuck.

"Booty, booty, booty" the kappa chanted after getting bored just watching them.

"Oo, rotten obnoxious little toad person!"

[And somewhere in the Ministry of Magic, Delores Umbridge did sneeze]

Hermione looked like she might leap into the water and strangle the kappa at any moment. Harry would have been inclined to let her, if he believed she could actually do it.

The Kappa blew her a raspberry and he swore he saw steam come out her ears.

He hadn't seen her this mad since the day Ron had zapped her when everyone was playing 'gotcha'.

Wait a second.

"Idea" he said, walking up to the edge of the pond.

"What's this? Come to give us the booty?" the kappa mocked.

Harry smiled, "Nope, but your about to get something. A whole lot of something."

Dipping the tip of his wand into the pond he incanted, " _Exstatic_!"

"Huh?"

*Kerzplosion*

A massive cloud of vapor erupted from the pond, filling most of the room. A terrible shriek exploded from the cloud and something came flying out of the water, crashing to the floor with a hollow wooden thunk.

Hermione stared in disbelief, first at Harry then at the dried up hollowed out kappa at her feet.

"Was that?"

Harry nodded, "Yeah. They still won't let me play 'gotcha'." he said with a smile, "Probably a good reason."


	4. Chapter 4

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 04 – Number cruncher a.k.a Pie? No Pi.

…

"That is a lot of numbers."

"Certainly is."

One of things she liked about Harry was his ability to point out the perfectly obvious without sounding like a total schmuck.

Spread out before them was a moderate sized hall with a tiled floor. Upon each tile was a number between zero and nine set out in no discernable pattern she could detect.

"You think the numbers mean something?"

"Well it does stand to reason" she said, "after all, if you were going to go to the trouble of putting a number on every tile on a floor you wouldn't just do it for giggles."

"I bet that kappa would."

She frowned at the reminder of the obnoxious turtle thing they'd encountered in the previous room. It was true, the creature would likely have done something so pointless just for the yucks.

If seemed unlikely that was the case here. Every room they'd passed through was clearly meant as a deterrent to anyone after the philosopher's stone. The kappa's purpose was to be that deterrent, she thought.

Hermione could see no reason it should have been able to leave that room, it would defeat the purpose of putting it there. But then, why the numbers?

"Hermione."

Having been lost in thought it took her a moment to realize she was being addressed, "Yes Harry?"

She noted how pale her friend looked, and when he directed her gaze upward she understood why.

The tile theme was mirrored on the ceiling, and though lacking numbers it did have its own decoration. They were mostly red, with bits of feather or fur clinging to it. One, the closest in fact, was an almost perfectly pressed gray squirrel.

"I think we know what happens when you step on the wrong tile" said Harry.

Hermione could only squeak. It was one thing to be almost killed, several times, within the last ten minutes. It was a whole other thing to see cute, innocent little animals brutally maimed, and for what?

It was inhuman, absolutely despicable. She knew Snape was not a good person but this, inconceivable.

They had to catch him, and soon. Before anymore innocents were hurt.

"Alright, look around. There's got to be something here, some sort of clue. Something to tell us how to get across."

"There does?"

There had been in every other room, kinda, why not here?

"Something, something. Where is it!"

"What's that above the door down there."

Harry pointed to the frieze on the mantle over the door. A simple thing depicting a man reverently holding up…

"What is he holding?" she asked.

"I think it's a pie" said Harry.

"Pie?" (gasp), "Pi!"

"Pie?" asked Harry, clearly befuddled.

"No, no, pi, without the e" she corrected.

"Oh. Wait how did you…"

"Never mind, never mind" she waved him off, "Just need to find a, ah! Three!"

Hopping onto the three, she took a deep breath and, "Three point one four…" began to sing.

The pie song had been her mother's idea. While other children learned 'Humpty Dumpty' and other such nonsense, Hermione was learning advanced mathematics. The song was scripted to the hundredth decimal place. The floor was only fifty-seven tiles long. Child's play.

She hopscotched her way across like it were just another day on the playground, paying no mind to the pancake making implements poised over her head.

She reached the other side, turned and posed waiting for the applause. It took her a second to realize her mother wasn't there to clap for her.

"Your turn Harry."

Harry stared back at her like she was crazy.

"Just sing the song" she shouted.

"I don't know the song."

Spose he wouldn't, she thought.

"Alright, I'll sing it. Step onto the three."

Harry did as he was bid, and Hermione began to sing.

"Three point one four…"

"Hermione, slow down."

She tried to, but she'd learned it a certain way with a certain tempo. Slowing it down made it harder to remember.

"Seven six, no wait!"

He tried but he was three numbers behind as it was. Confused, his foot went for six.

*click*

The prolific reflexes that had served him as the youngest seeker in a century served him here as well. The ceiling tile had barely begun its descent when Harry's foot shot off the floor.

*WHAM!*

The swift move threw him off balance and he took a reflexive step back.

*click*

The second smashing tile came down brushing the back of his head. It was just the slightest twitch that narrowly spared his foot.

*WHAM!*

"Harry! Are you alright?"

Her friend stared back at her, "Nope!" he squeaked.

She was about to ask if she should start singing again when he kicked off the smashing pillar and made a beeline in her direction.

The roof tiles descended in quick succession as he ran. It looked like they'd catch up to him, so he threw himself across the last three to safety.

Lying on the floor panting, Hermione rushed to her friend's side.

"Harry! Harry are you alright?"

*indistinct grumbling*

"Say again."

Lifting his face off the floor, "I hate pie" he repeated.

"Okay, but I don't see what that has to do with anything."

Her male friend glared at her, "I, hate, Pi!"

"Oh! Well why didn't you just say that the first time."

*more indistinct grumbling*


	5. Chapter 5

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 05 – Chameleon Ghoul

…

"Come on Harry don't pout."

"I'm not pouting."

He was totally pouting.

Having survived the room of pi, not pie, they found themselves walking down a long hall. Tilting downward the hall was lined on both sides with pedestals, atop which perched various suits of full plate mail armor.

"I really can't believe how much they're crammed into this space, it shouldn't be possible" she commented.

"It has to be magic" said Harry, "Just wish it wasn't being used against us."

"You think any of this slowed Snape down?"

"Doesn't look like it" he replied, "those splatters on the ceiling were the first trace we've seen of him since Fluffy."

Hermione smiled, "Done pouting then?"

"I was not pouting!"

*clang*

The two flinched at the noise and turned just in time to see the second sword drop to the floor.

"Well, that was…"

She never got to finish the sentence when two suits of armor jumped to the floor and stole her ability to speak.

Not Harry's though "Here we go again".

Grabbing her hand, he made to drag her down the hall. They'd only gotten a few feet when the scene repeated itself and another pair of armors jumped down from their pedestals to block them.

"We're trapped."

Harry growled, "If I had my invisibility cloak we could have snuck right past them."

Hold on.

"Why don't you have your invisibility cloak?"

His first answer was a blank stare.

His second, "That's a very good question."

"We really didn't plan this out very well."

"No we didn't."

The two children dodged around the clumsy armors as they made to grab them.

"What are these things?"

"Chameleon Ghouls" said Harry, "Percy warned us about them over the break."

"How do we stop them?"

"Beats me, never actually saw one over break and Percy just said to avoid them."

"Oh great!"

At least they'd know the identity of the thing that was going to kill them.

" _Viento_!"

The wind spell gave the armored ghouls only a brief pause.

"Not strong enough" Harry cursed.

" _Aguamenti_!"

The suit hit by the spell staggered a step before getting its hands up to guard and resuming its advance.

"Worth a try" said Hermione.

The four suits slowly advanced. Their dodging had put all their enemies in front of them and even gained them the high ground. It was just to bad they couldn't do anything with it.

"What I wouldn't give for a giant boulder right now" she said.

"Why?"

"So we could roll it down on top them" she said, "Like Indiana Jones."

"I don't know who that is."

[Stare of shock and horror]

"Close your mouth Hermione."

She did, with her hands since her jaw was still stuck on shock and horror.

"Wait, they're downhill from us, right?"

"Yes" Hermione puppeted her mouth.

"Up for a little slip and slide?"

[Dawning comprehension]

"Do it" she said, grabbing the back of Harry's robe then the nearest bit of protruding wall.

" _Frictus Null_!"

A shimmer spread across the floor then vanished as the spell took hold.

The ghouls advance ceased even while their legs continued to move. Then gravity got hold of them, calculations were done for the height and slope of the hall, and physics turned their advance into an accelerating retreat.

The ghouls flailed uselessly as they slid faster and faster down the hall.

Hermione, anchoring Harry, watched as the four suits hit the bottom and smashed through the door with a tremendous crash.

"Nice" Harry opined.

"Gravity is a harsh mistress" Hermione agreed, "Can you turn it off now, my arms are getting tired."

Setting friction back to normal, Harry took the lead down to the end of the hall.

"So much for that door."

"Think anyone will notice?"

Harry just smiled, "They'd have to admit they were down here first."

Hermione returned the smile, "I wonder haw many people have been down here. We can't be the first. None of these 'traps' should have been able to stop one of the older students. I mean, look at us, we've gotten through."

Harry gave her a quizzical look, "Then why put them here in the first place?"

Hermione stared back at her friend. She didn't know. Now that she stopped to think about it the whole thing looked very suspect.

"Spose it doesn't matter now" said Harry after she'd mulled it over a minute.

Shaking her head, "Right. Onward!"

Harry chuckled at her exuberance and together they marched into the next room.


	6. Chapter 6

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 06 – Walk the wire

(announcement at the end)

…

The lifeless chameleon ghouls lay scattered across the floor as they entered the chamber. And what a chamber it was.

"Sweet Merlin!"

A vast space spread out before them, most of which was occupied by a great chasm over which hung an enormous spider web.

"Okay, if I had any doubts before they are now gone. They are using magic to create space" declared Hermione.

"Either that or we fell down a rabbit hole" said Harry.

"You have no idea who Indiana Jones is but you reference Alice in wonderland?" Harry tried to shrug all nonchalant, but Hermione wasn't having it.

"I think someone's a closet bookworm. Eh. Eh. Eh, eh."

He wasn't about to acknowledge the Cheshire grinning girl's accusation or her obnoxious poking. Anymore than he was likely to explain how hiding in the library was one of the few places he could avoid his cousin at school.

"Let's just focus on the space" he said, moving away from her poking fingers.

"Space! I'm having an existential crisis over space!"

"When did you get so silly?"

"It's late, I'm tired, I get kinda punchy when I'm tired" she said, giving a random giggle for no discernable reason.

Harry quirked an eyebrow which had his friend turning red with embarrassment.

"I'm so ashamed" she said.

"Let's just get this over with so we can go to bed."

"Yes!" Hermione shouted marching up to the edge of the chasm, "Meep!"

And the weirdness continued, thought Harry, as his friend cautiously inched away from the edge.

"Problem Hermione?"

"Um, have I ever mentioned I may have a teensy tiny fear of heights" the girl said.

"Teensy tiny?"

"Mild really, not that bad just, borderline crippling" she confessed.

"Oh, that teensy tiny" he said.

The bushy hair nodded.

"Wonderful."

Like this wasn't going to be hard enough as it was, he thought.

"Should've brought that broom from the key room" he thought aloud.

"Why didn't we?"

"For the same reason I didn't bring my invisibility cloak" said Harry.

"We are bad at this."

Harry nodded his agreement.

"When we get out of here I am going to write all this down. That way next time we decide to go dungeon delving we'll be better prepared."

"Sounds good to me" said Harry, "for now though."

Hermione gulped, "Yeah."

Taking some pity on his friend, "Why don't you wait here while I take a look."

Hermione gave a very enthusiastic nod.

He felt bad leaving the anxious girl by herself, but they were running out of time. Snape had to be well ahead by this point and if they didn't catch him soon, the whole trip would have been for nothing.

Harry didn't think he could handle that.

Walking along the edge of the chasm he looked for a likely path to cross. About halfway down the length, he found it.

"Can't believe I didn't see it sooner."

Given the lack of substantial light and the dark color of the stone his lack of perception could be forgiven.

The chasm, as it turned out, was neatly bisected by a stone bridge, though bridge may have been giving the foot-wide strip too much credit. Still, it was solid Harry discovered, and ran the entire width of the chasm.

"That ought to do it".

He waved to Hermione who approached with obvious trepidation. Seeing what he'd discovered she calmly stated, "Are you out of your mind!" well, relatively calm.

"Looks like our best way across" Harry reasoned, totally unfazed at someone yelling in his face.

"No, no, no, NO, no. No" said Hermione, "I'll fall, I know I will."

"No you won't" he argued.

"I will, you may not think so but I know it'll happen. I'll fall into the bottomless hole or onto that web and be eaten by the giant spider."

"What giant spider?"

Giving him a look that clearly questioned his intelligence, "There's a giant spiderweb, of course there's going to be a giant spider."

He couldn't really argue with her reasoning, so he didn't bother to try.

"Hermione, we need to get across and this is the only way."

The finality of his statement left her gaping. When that didn't work she started crying.

"Please, don't make me do it" she wept.

Oh sweet Merlin he could not deal with this.

"Hermione?"

*weeping*

"Hermione."

*sobbing*

"Hermione!"

*dramatic bawling*

"Oh for crying out loud!"

Seeing his current tact was a failure and time was running out, he reached into the Slytherin part of his brain for an idea.

And this is what he found.

"Alright fine, you don't have to go."

Her hysterics immediately subsided, "I don't?"

"Nope" he said, turning around and walking toward the bridge.

"Wait, where are you going?!"

"Across here" he said, "but don't worry, you don't have to go. I'll try and remember to come back for you if Snape doesn't kill me. Tell the giant spider I said hi."

"Noooooooooooo!"

The bushy-haired missile latched on and refused to let go.

"Don't leave me" she wailed.

"Well I wouldn't but I gotta go across here Hermione, and I'm not gonna make you do that so…"

"I'll do it! I'll do it, just don't leave me behind."

Harry sighed, he hated having to traumatize her like this. His only consolation was they could go to therapy together because he was pretty sure he'd developed a couple trauma's himself.

"Hermione. Stop crying Hermione. I'm not going to leave you."

"You promise?" she said with a piteous sniffle.

"I promise, but we need to get going. Now, I need you to put your hands on my shoulders."

Slowly, she did.

"Good, now eyes on the back of my head, I'm going to lead us across."

Slowly, the two began shuffling forward. A few gasps and frightened grips on his shoulders slowed their progress but they were moving along nice and smooth by the time they hit the midway point.

That was when it happened.

Hermione clamped down like a vice and began to whimper, "Harry."

Flinching under her painful grip, "What is it?"

"The web moved."

"Web? Hermione, I said to look at the back of my head."

"I couldn't help it. I saw it move."

As she said it, Harry saw it move too. Following the shaking strands to their source he found.

"Oh bollocks!"

"What, what is it?"

A giant spider calmly approached on eight hairy legs, its mandibles dripping hungrily.

Hermione gave a choked wail and buried herself in Harry's back, "I told you" she said.

Yes she had, he thought.

The spider showed no signs of haste as it approached and why would it? It could see they weren't going anywhere.

Unable to move his body Harry's mind raced for a solution. Leaving Hermione to save himself was out of the question, and not just because she was gripping him like a vice. He doubted he had any spells that could hurt something that size, and that was assuming he could even hit it. The way it moved across the web with such fluid ease was both amazing and a little disheartening.

Wait, the web.

"Duh" he said taking out his wand, "Hermione, you're not going to like this."

"Like what?"

*Fwoosh*

"Fire bad!"

He'd only had the chance to learn the first spell in 'The book of Flame' before Hermione had taken it back, but spider silk wasn't known for its fire-retardant properties.

The stream of flame cut off the spiders advance and sent it skittering around. Harry cut it off again, and again, forcing it to retreat and allowing Harry to box it in. The spider squealed in fury.

"Fire bad" Hermione shrieked, "Spider worse!"

Satisfied he'd at least bought them some time he used Hermione's grip to his advantage and hustle shuffled them the rest of the way across.

"Okay Hermione, we're safe, you can let go now."

She could, yet adamantly refused to do so.

"Come on Hermione, you're hurting my shoulders… Oh fine, next room."

And together they hustle shuffled through the door.

…

(Here's the announcement)

That time is nearly upon us again. That time of year where I drive myself into the dirt writing and submitting a chapter of a story every day for an entire month. This year however we decided to do something a little different.

We're branching out from Harry Potter a bit and trying our hand at Pokémon. But that's not all.

We need your help to do it. This years entry for Nanowrimo is called Pokémon Flash. The subject is Pokémon, the style of fiction is Flash, and I want your suggestions.

Here's the deal. Each day will be a different story about a different Pokémon. They could be funny story's, adventure stories, maybe sad or tragic stories, who knows. What I need from all you is the Pokémon I should write about. Send me a private message with your favorite Pokémon, preferable from gen 1 - 3, and I'll add them to the list which I will post on my main page and update once a day when there are suggestions until we hit 30. If we don't make it to 30 I'll just have to fill in on my own.

So, help a guy out. What's your favorite Pokémon, least favorite Pokémon, just any old Pokémon you'd like to see me write about. Send me a message and let me know.

...

Hugs and kisses

Jade-fae


	7. Chapter 7

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 07 – Library Labyrinth

…

"Hermione?"

*whine*

"Hermione?"

*piteous whine*

"Hermione. Open your eyes."

"No!" she said, petulantly burying her face in Harry's back.

"If you don't open your eyes, how can you read the books?"

"Books!"

Free at last the blood rushed into his aching shoulders.

"Bloody hell you have a grip" he complained to his friend who was clearly not listening.

She was focused on the library they found themselves in. Just as well, thought Harry, after that last one they needed a break.

"What the bloody hell!" she exclaimed.

"What? What is it?"

His friend turned to him holding the cover of a large tome, "Their fake, there's nothing inside them. What a rip!"

Harry couldn't help but grin as she threw the useless bit of wood and leather to the floor, "Language Hermione."

That earned him the most adorable scowl, "Don't test me Harry, I've had a long night."

Still grinning, he looked around hoping to find the door or barring that, the next thing that was going to try and kill them.

"Those are some tall shelves" he commented.

The shelves had no discernable top. They were so tall they disappeared into the darkness.

"There's that space thing again" said Hermione.

"Magic" Harry grumbled, "So what do you think the trick is to this one?"

"I hope it doesn't involve climbing."

Even lacking any fear of heights Harry couldn't help but agree with his friend completely.

"Maybe there's a real book in here somewhere" she said.

"Wishful thinking" Harry chortled.

Hermione very maturely stuck out her tongue, "I can dream."

The two of them walked among the shelves for a while, pulling books at random and discarding the empty shells.

There was a rumbling sound from above and it began to rain.

"Are you kidding me!" shouted Hermione.

Harry chuckled. The rain didn't bother him. He'd been locked out of the house on nights worse than this, but Hermione was not the hardened survivor he was. She grabbed another empty book off the shelf and used it as an umbrella.

"Unacceptable! Absolutely unacceptable!" she griped and continued trudging down the aisle.

Harry was about to follow her when he saw something that chilled his blood.

"Hermione!"

The girl turned, "What?" only to be tackled to the ground, her 'umbrella' crashing to the floor.

"Harry, what're you…"

"Teeth!" he interrupted.

"What?"

"It had teeth."

Hermione looked at him like he'd lost his mind. Then she heard the growl.

The book had fallen open when it landed and in a single swift motion slammed itself shut, the odd protrusions around the edges fitting together perfectly just like…

"Teeth" Hermione whimpered.

The book growled again, opening slightly like a pair of vicious jaws.

The single growl was suddenly joined by others and the two saw their various discarded books begin to move of their own accord.

"No, no not the books" Hermione cried, "not the books."

"Hermione! Run!"

And once again they fled. The first book tried to take a bite out of them as they passed but Harry delivered it a good swift kick that sent it flying into the others.

They took a left and found a metal gate before them. Turning around to go the other way they saw an entire case of books come to life and fall from the shelves like a growling, snapping waterfall.

"The gate" Harry shouted.

With snarling jaws at their heels, they rushed for the gate. It swung inward as they barreled through, bounced and slammed shut behind them, Harry threw the bolt as the tide of hungry literature crashed against it.

"It's not right, just not right I tell you" Hermione babbled, "books are good. They aren't supposed to be able to hurt you."

"If I were that empty I'd be hungry too" quipped Harry.

"You think that's what it is" she asked desperately, "they weren't really bad, just empty."

Harry looked at his friend with concern, "No, I think they were a bunch of book covers someone magicked to attack people."

"Oh! Oh, well yes, I, I suppose" she stuttered bashfully, finally coming to her senses.

"Now where are we?"

Still in the library if the shelves were anything to go by. The moss and lichen covering everything was a bit confusing. As was the giant pile of acorns.

"Are you seeing this?" Harry asked.

"Seeing it, yes. Understanding it, no."

Good, that made him feel less dumb.

The sudden appearance of a big eyed fluffy squirrel added to the strangeness.

"Aw, Harry look, isn't he cute."

Harry had no strong opinion on the matter. The squirrel however appeared to, and he chose to express it with violence, and acorns.

"Ow! Why you little…" Hermione snapped, and angrily punted the little rodent that had bounced an acorn off her forehead.

The squirrel slammed hard into the bookshelf opposite them, planting itself firmly between one moss covered bust and a couple moldy tomes. With a deflated squeak, it waved the white flag before face planting onto the shelf.

They were startled by a sudden cheer and found a whole gallery of squirrels occupying another bookshelf. Three particularly important looking ones stepped forward and held up their cards.

[9.6] [9.7] … [6.9]

"6.9!"

"That one must be Russian" said Harry.

Before Hermione could go over and 'correct' the third judge, there was a grinding noise and one of the bookshelves slid behind another to reveal a door.

"Nice. Come on Hermione."

"Just a second Harry. I need to have a few words."

"No Hermione let's go."

"Give me a 6.9 will he."

Grabbing the angry female round the waist he dragged her through the door and out of the cursed library.

...

 **Author's note**

Still plenty of time to pick your Pokémon. For more details, see message at end of previous chapter.

Tanks!


	8. Chapter 8

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 08 – The Horror

…

"Hermione?"

*pout*

"Hermione."

*more pout*

"Let it go Hermione."

She would not let it go, and she continued to pout in protest. If Harry hadn't dragged her out of that room she'd have shown that squirrel a thing or two.

Give her a 6.9 would he, must have been German.

"Come on Hermione, it was just a squirrel. What does a squirrel know anyway?"

He was right. She knew he was right. But she wouldn't be Hermione Jane Granger if she could just let things go.

Wasn't in her nature.

"You know if you keep making that face it might get stuck that way."

"Maybe I want it to get stuck that way" she retorted.

"Might lose its effect the next time your roommates decide to play dress-up."

She flinched, "That's playing dirty Harry."

"Don't know whatcha mean Hermione."

Sure he didn't, big grinning jerk face.

As much as she wanted to be mad his stupid grin was infectious, which only proved how tired she was.

"I hope we're almost done" she said, "Once the adrenaline wears off I am going to crash so hard."

"I know what you mean" said Harry, "I doooooooooon't, know how much longer I can do this" he yawned.

"Oh don't do that or I'll…" *YAWN*, "that!"

"We better hurry or we'll fall asleep before we ever catch up to Snape."

Hurrying down the hall they came to yet another well-lit room, and the most perplexing sight they'd seen all evening.

"What the?"

"It, it looks like a, kindergarten classroom."

Tiny little tables with colorful plastic chairs. Brightly painted blocks and alphabet wallpaper.

"This is…"

"Yeah. It sure is."

Of all the rooms she'd been in that evening this one scared her the most. With the others the danger was obvious or became obvious quickly.

What could possibly be dangerous about a classroom for babies.

"Hermione, do you hear that?"

Hermione looked at her friend, "Hear what?"

Harry shook his head, "Sounds like, singing."

"Singing?"

She held her breath and strained to hear. There it was at the edge of her perceptions, but as she listened if seemed to grow stronger. It was almost a minute before she could make out the words and when she did she nearly fainted.

It couldn't be. Not that. Anything but that.

"Harry! Harry we need to hide."

"Why?" Harry asked in a dreamy voice.

"Oh no!" it was already happening, "Harry? Harry listen to me, you have to fight it."

"Fight? No, fighting isn't nice" he said, blankly staring into the distance.

The singing grew louder, and she felt a headache coming on as she fought the cerebral assault on her will. She had to hide. She'd be of no use to anyone if her brain was turned into soggy oatmeal.

She dashed across the room and crawled into the toybox where she'd be out of sight, and just in time.

The creature danced into the room, hopping along on its oversized feet, swinging its long purple tail, singing its vile hypnotic song, "I love you. You love me."

It was him. The beast from her nightmares. The fascist pacifier of unruly children. The great Learnasaurus, Barney, the dinosaur.

"Hello friends" the traumasaur declared.

Hermione hunkered down as the beast surveyed the room.

"Friends? I was sure there was two."

Hermione shivered, it knew.

"Hmm, oh well, I guess one friend is enough to play with" it said, and began to approach Harry, "Hello there, would you like to be my friend."

Harry didn't answer. His brain had already turned to pudding, Hermione surmised. That's what Barney exposure did to an unfortified mind.

"We'll have such a lovely time together, oh yes. Yummy yum fun fun yummy yum fun."

The words were pure madness and she could feel her grip slipping. NO! Must hold on, must not give in.

"Friend" the dinosaur said as it towered over the green-eyed Gryffindor, "Friend."

"Get away from him!"

Oh bollocks.

The purple beast slowly turned, giving her plenty of time to consider her mistake.

"Friend?"

The girl yelped in fear but found herself unable to move. Transfixed by its dead eyed gaze she could do nothing as it approached.

"Friend."

As the beast drew closer she began to hyperventilate. Her rational mind fighting for control against the brain mushing aura of the beast.

"Friend."

It towered over her, it had her, it was too much. Several things in her brain went snap simultaneously, old synapses fired through new pathways blown wide open by fear and the mind warping effect of Barney.

Hermione stared up at the purple abomination.

"Friend?" it said.

And she replied, "Burn!"

Spontaneous combustion, as anyone can tell you, is always a surprise, especially to the one combusting.

"Ohoho no!" the horror cried as it was engulfed in an epic conflagration.

It began running around the room panicking, "I'm on fire! Ohohoho this isn't good."

It would have been funnier if it wasn't setting everything else on fire as it did so. The great blaze was enough to snap her brain back to normal, ish, and the first thing she thought after 'Fire bad' was.

"Harry!"

Who still stood where she'd left him, oblivious to the imminent danger he was in.

Racing to her friend's side she grabbed him by the hand and pulled the insensate boy from the funeral pyre of a childhood nightmare. Ignoring the voice as it echoed after them.

"Hohoooooo it burns."


	9. Chapter 9

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 09 – You again

…

"Harry! Harry speak to me."

"Bbbuuuuuughhhh…"

It was no use. It could be hours before he was cognizant if left on his own and they didn't have that time.

"Harry, I hope you can forgive me for this."

*Slap*

"Wake up!"

"Ddddduuuuu…"

*Slap*

"Wake up!"

"Buuuugghuuu…"

* Double Slap*

"The power of rice compels you!"

"Uugh, wha?"

*Fury swipes* … no, wait.

"Hermione? What, where, why?"

"You forgot who and when."

"Forgot, I… I don't."

Under other circumstances his befuddlement would have been kinda cute.

"Harry, look at me Harry" forcing the bewildered boy to make eye contact, "It's okay. It's over. He's gone."

"He? That thing, what… what was that?"

"Barney."

"Barney?"

"He used to have a program on telly. My parents used to show it to children waiting for their appointments. It kept them quiet, compliant."

"You mean brain dead" said Harry, his wits finally returned.

"The first time I watched him, I came to at home hours later. I'd no idea what happened."

"Your parents did that to you?"

She shook her head, "I snuck out into the waiting room when they weren't looking. Never did that again."

"Your parents are still monsters" said Harry.

Hermione shrugged, "They're dentists, and British dentists at that. It's kind of a given" *smack*, "but they're still my parents so watch it."

Harry snickered while rubbing his arm and Hermione grinned.

"You okay?"

"No" he said, "But I'm not gonna get any better just sitting here."

"Onward and sideways" said Hermione.

"Isn't it onward and upward?"

"Again with the space?"

Harry grinned at her but then suddenly scowled, scrunching up his face. Hermione didn't have to ask why. She could smell it to.

"What is that?"

The two inched into the room. The smell was overpowering. Like Easter eggs that weren't found till Christmas or a mountain of diapers from the old folk's home.

"Oh, even stink would say that stinks."

The room wasn't large, about the size of a girl's loo, so it didn't take them long to find the source.

It sat on a massive porcelain throne, reading a newspaper.

"No bloody way!"

The troll looked up from its newspaper to discover it was not alone.

"Don't I know you?"

The troll began to sweat, frantically looking back and forth between the children staring at it.

And then, " _Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah_!"

"Wow."

"Wouldn't think something that big could hit that note."

Screaming like a teenage girl who's just been seen naked and will never be able to get married (yeah, that's totally a thing) the troll waved its massive hand in a vain attempt to shoo them away.

The children were not shooed away and stood there staring with something less than the appropriate level of fear one should have when encountering a troll.

"Lot less scary like this, isn't he?"

"I'll say."

"Should we go?"

"Might as well."

Leaving the self-conscious troll to its breakdown they entered the next room. Barely five feet in they found themselves surrounded by a burning ring of fire.

Hermione just looked at it dispassionately.

"No, fire bad?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yeah, yeah, fire bad" she said, followed by a yawn, "too tired to care anymore. What's this now."

She walked up to the table with its multiple bottles and snatched the piece of paper out of the air.

"What is it?"

"A word problem" she said, looking at the bottles, then back at the paper, then at the bottles again, "It's this one."

"You're sure" said Harry.

"Of course I'm sure" mostly.

"So, do we split it?"

She shook her head, "We don't know if that'll work. We might both get through or we both might, not."

"Guess I'll go then."

"Okay."

Harry blinked, "Really?"

"I'm about five minutes from passing out" she said, "And while I protest your stupid chivalry in the strongest possible terms, I'm…"

"You could just wish me luck you know."

"… I could."

Harry just chuckled at her sour expression, "If Snape doesn't kill me, I'll be back."

It was an offhand comment, but it brought the reality of the situation crashing down on her. Harry almost dropped the bottle when she latched onto him like a vice.

"You'll come back, you will come back" she demanded, "You have to come back, you have to. Promise me."

"I promise."

With those words ringing in her ears she watched him knock back the potion and leap into the fire.

"Oh my god, fire! I'm on fire! It burns!"

"No!" she'd killed him!

"Oh sweet Merlin why, whyyyyyyyy!"

"Harry!"

"Just kidding."

*growl*

"Ooooh, that… boy!"

...

It's that time of year again, the month where writers kill themselves trying to finish a novel in a single month. Or in my case, upload each day. But this year will be different. This year we're doubling. Nanowrimo 2018, 'The boy who was trolled' and, our first dip into the Pokémon fandom, 'Pokémon Flash'.

But, before we get to that, a special Halloween upload, 'It's the great pumpkin Sirius Black'. Look for it Wednesday evening and be sure to come back Thursday for 'The boy who was trolled' and 'Pokémon Flash'.

See you there.


	10. Chapter 10

Hogwarts a History – Mazes and Monsters  
Chapter 10 – Wrapping up

…

"And you're sure you have no memory after…"

"After that thing flew through me" said the boy, "no sir. But I was pretty beat by that point, especially after" *shiver*, "Barney."

Dumbledore shivered as well. He remembered getting it down there.

"I believe our muggle studies professor may have gone a little too far with that one."

The boy nodded.

Albus sat and made inane conversation for a few minutes before taking his leave, though not before indulging his candy fetish.

"Ah, alas, earwax" he remarked to the boy's amusement.

He held it in his mouth till he was out of the hospital wing before spitting it out.

"Blech, vile concoction" he cursed.

Catching himself a moment too late, he checked to make sure no one had heard him.

Satisfied, he began lurking down the hall. He loved to lurk, but it was so hard to do well in the garish eye-catching robes he preferred. Such a complicated man he was.

Not that it mattered. Even lurking couldn't improve his mood. He'd spent all year working on that labyrinth, even gone as far as asking his staff for ideas.

The things you learn about people when you ask them to protect a precious artifact. Scary.

Leading the last Potter into it had been no small challenge either. The boy was hopelessly incurious.

Wasn't that just like a Potter though? Making him suffer for no good reason.

Well, he'd get his, oh yes. And then, his revenge would be complete.

"Mwahaha. Mwahaha. Mwahahahahaha…"

"Excuse me."

"Ha!" the headmaster halted mid laugh.

The innocent big-eyed girl child stared up at him.

"Uh, you didn't see that."

The child slowly shook her head.

"Good, good, that's good" said the old man, walking away all casual like he hadn't just been laughing maniacally.

He really needed to stop doing that. Twirling his moustache too. It was going to ruin his reputation.

…

"Hey Ron."

"Harry, you're back."

"Don't know how much more nursing I could take."

Ron chuckled as Harry flopped into a nearby chair, "Guess I was lucky. She had me out almost before I sat down."

"Where's Hermione?"

"Sleeping. Whatever happened to you two after the chessboard really musta taken it out of her."

"You have no idea."

"Well, fill me in."

So, Harry recounted their journey through the chimera, the kappa, all the way to the library before glossing over, *shudder*, the horror. He had just gotten to Quirrell's head exploding when Hermione shambled down the stairs.

"Hermione!" the two boys greeted.

"Huh, what, who? Oh, Harry you're out of the hospital wing."

"And you're awake" said Harry.

The bushy hair shook her head, "Uh uh."

The two boys laughed.

"So, we did it, we stopped the dark lord" said Ron.

"Stopped him from getting this at least."

The two boys goggled at the red stone.

"How did you get that?" asked Harry.

"It fell out of your hand when we found you in that last chamber. Dumbledore was examining Quirrell, so I stuck it in my pocket."

Ron looked to Harry, "We have really been a bad influence on her."

"Makes you kinda proud, doesn't it?"

"A little" said Ron with a grin.

"You two" Hermione said with a pout that only made them laugh.

"So whatcha gonna do with it?"

"Contact the Flamel's and return it" she said, plopping down next to Ron, "I've no idea how to use it and even if I did, it doesn't belong to me."

"Makes sense" said Harry.

"Do you mind if I borrow Hedwig to send them a letter?"

"That's fine."

"So, what now?" asked Ron, "I mean, where do we go from here?"

"Home" said Hermione, "for the summer at least."

"Yeah" said Harry without enthusiasm.

"You guys should come visit The Burrow" said Ron.

"The Burrow?"

"It's our house in Ottery St. Catchpole."

"The Burrow?"

"That's what we call it" said Ron.

Hermione could only stare.

"Sounds great Ron" said Harry.

Ron looked to Hermione who shook her head.

"I don't even know how long I'll be home. We usually go on vacation during the summer."

"Really? Where?"

Hermione shrugged, "We went to Greece once. France was nice."

And so, with a successful adventure under their belts, the intrepid young wizards discussed plans for the summer, never suspecting what the future might have in store.


End file.
